A Farakkan Experience

Innocent souls who believe there is either life or death, ought to know, there is something beyond these two experiences and that is what we call ‘A Farakkan Experience’. A timely run of Farakka Express in Indian railways is synonymous to a golden run of a solo Uday Chopra starrer at box office. To put it in the words of cricket, the strain it causes to your psyche, could beat the  collective strain caused by all the Sharmas (Joginder included) and Nehras together to Indian Psyche. It’s like being subjected to a soliloquy by Rahul Gandhi. Farakka and Express together makes for a solid oxymoron.

 Train Travel sometimes alludes to time travel. Farakka can be considered as the slowest unit of time. If IRCTc is a mental catastrophe then Farakka is its physical incarnation. The stoppages are as frequent as your breath. Snails take it very personally if they are overtaken by Farakka, they have this custom of deliberately slithering over Tata Namak and killing themselves, if this train ever gets ahead of them. Not to mention the little turtles who take their baby steps only by imitating Farakka uncle. If you want your children to value their life, you should take them to the Old Delhi station just for a glimpse of those brave-hearts who finally make it through. However, you must enquire about its arrival because the GPS tracker often loses it’s trail as if the train disappears for some mysterious purpose. Even the honourable Supreme Court is considering a Farakkan trip as a potential replacement for capital punishment but prisoners are crying foul over this .

One of the great things about Farakka is that it teaches us bladder control (to the extent of explosion). Reaching to the toilet, in the words of Rahul Baba, may require Jupiter escape velocity, by which you can easily fly to the toilet or simply fly your toilet. With wait-listed passengers being as scarce as the mosquitoes of Noida, you hardly get to see the colour of the floor , you have to tread very carefully  in order to avoid your foot being put on someone's face. Even if you make it to the toilet, be very cautious because it will make you nauseous . You will have to think twice before touching anything except yours, like it’s a crime scene. You may have to look upward while holding your breath as it could be more graphic than an unedited SAW series.. The longer you take to pee , the graver your sufferings will be. As they say ‘Pleasure and pain goes hand in hand’. The walls have retribution carved all over them.

Farakka the saviour :- Once ISI planned a terrorist attack in Delhi and the suicide bomber  made it  to India through the porous Indo-Nepal border. The moron unfortunately boarded Farakka in Bengal and by the time train reached Kanpur, years of rigorous training , drills and motivation just evaporated. He decided to detonate the bomb in the train itself  but  his bag was smothered under piles of vegetable sacks loaded by local vendors, as he cleared the space, to his surprise, his bag and Chappal both were stolen. He  tried jumping out of the train to kill himself but speed was not enough. Some say he got the ultimate punishment, he had to return to Pakistan.

Passengers on upper berth, who are wary of their priceless shoes getting stolen, either keep it with themselves or put them on the caged shields of the fans, thus adding to the freshness of the air. Then there are people who ask for a little space on your berth and as soon as you doze off, they will slowly make their way as your closest partner and end up making a virtual 69, in what you may call a one night stand.

A group of passengers were sharing their experiences of Farakka. Someone refreshingly started it with a 4 hr delay, the other enthusiast further raised the stake by 6 hrs making it a hefty 10 hrs then a Maulvi Saheb, struggling to get  betel out of his cavity, doubled the whole proposition by making it twenty, but there was an old man completely oblivion to the excitement, gazing at a distant mountain with sun slowly sinking into it .A young boy could not hold his eagerness and asked him “chacha! what keeps you mum, don’t you have something to share ?" The old man smiled at the innocence of the boy and put an end to the whole debate by making it a staggering 48 hr. A stunning silence followed and all the passengers bowed their head in respect. AMEN

         The raging autowalas of Noida

One should make a will before doing something as dreadful as taking a ride in six seater auto,only if he is not a broke like me. First things first, calling it a six seater auto would perhaps be offending to its gruesome sensibilities, considering what it usually has to go through. It is often crammed with more than 10 people: 8 people in the middle(4-4 are stacked in two rows where it should be  3-3 against each other) , 2-3 people along with the driver’s seat and a 10-15 year old child as a trainee conductor who could be found swinging anywhere, like a snake hanging from a  tree.

 When such a vehicle is filled to capacity, the pressure thus created, calms down its undue hysterical quivering but the terrible noise blows like a sledge hammer in your eardrums, you can feel the shakes even after alighting the vehicle. This cacophony reminds me of noise we used to bear while watching “maut ka kuan” in Durga puja fairs and only difference is, then we were mere spectators and now we are unwilling participants running the risk. It’s not very often you will regret the bigger hips of your co passenger, forcing you to discover the real pressure or pleasure of being compressed, shrinking you to your minimum. When stacked like this, mostly you will have your head to react like dropping your jaws or widening your eyes, owing to the thrill (for sallu fans) or fear( for lames like me) which you will have to bear through the journey as rest of the body will be stuck somewhere else. However, body movements are subject to the whims of the driver like abrupt changing of lanes ,brakes are seldom applied but when applied they will make the whole troupe to dangle. It’s like being choreographed for a group dance. They certainly have the makings of a desi Jason statham who will fight all odds, bend every rule to deliver the package. Adding one more dimension, I would rather say they are the artist making invisible sketches on the road. I wonder how this has escaped the ever watchful eyes of  AXN people.

And God forbid , if you are unfortunately sitting to the right of driver, you will have your closest moments as half of your body will be suspended in the air, which leaves you on the mercy of drivers of other vehicles( who have been pretty generous in their deadly endeavours) .It certainly leaves you a little too high when a speeding DTC bus closes in with a sudden gush of air and misses you by inches, sending chills down your spine. You will see Yamraj swinging from the bus, lending you a helping hand and asking you “come on buddy, let’s have a walk in hell”.

Having said all that, I must admit that I avail their services almost on daily basis. So I hold nothing personal against them. It was just one of those days when they overdo their bit and I come home brimming with emotions and I wriggle it out through my words to attain normalcy.

                              My moments of unrest

Sometimes I really envy buffaloes who sit on a road or even shit on a road and come what may, they are not intimidated by honking vehicles or screeching tyres, keeping every disturbance at bay. You can literally feel the peace in their eyes. They really surprise me by their nonchalance. Even if you hit them they will look at you chewing their food as Rajnikant looks at their villains before kicking their ass out.

On the other side here am I ,an easy prey to distraction .Calmness often eludes me but I do have to admit that I share a common trait with buffalo i.e.  I am not much of a locomotive person. I would prefer to be a snail than to be a rabbit. What really irks me, when I am busy with something important or even not busy with something trivial ,just reclining on my chair with my legs on another chair. Suddenly my house maid intrudes and a kind of gloom pervades in my psyche. Now she will come with the broom and will tell me to go on bed(and please don’t misjudge it) .I don’t know whether you have felt it or not, a sudden revolt by your limbs, their utter reluctance to move. It takes a lot of courage to move or I may further add even thought of movement unsettles me and that is tantamount to movement of soul ,as soon as  I will reclaim my position on my chair ,she will come again with the wiper , I would have preferred a viper instead. 

I just want to encircle my sitting zone with a no entry sign along with a warning that trespassers will be prosecuted. I want it to be as safe and reclusive as Area 51 which can be fancied with tales of aliens and UFOs but is insulated from external influences or it should be declared as Laxman Rekha. Sometimes I feel as vulnerable as Sita because the Laxman Rekha is crossed by Ravana on daily basis in order to clean the jungle.

Talking about my chair and esp.my position in my chair, it may not be as important as the chair of prime minister but for me it is of as much value as the chair of party president.